It has been a long time since I last blogged properly. Since the post in April, I have taken my final year exams, finished my final year project, returned from London, gotten my results and started work. It is amazing how it is possible to summarise what happened in the last 4 months in just 1 sentence. How sad have our lives become, as we pursue the luxuries in life, and lost track of the details. Everything we do becomes condensed into just the outcome. My six weeks of sweat and tears and fun reduced to just a normal phrase of "finishing my final year poject". Whatever happened to the process? I guess this is what happened as we grow old and life becomes less structured.
When I was young, my life was mapped out for me (i was supposed to follow the conventional way of life). Go to kindergarden, enter primary school, fight to enter good secondary school, wrestle into desired junior college, then enter college to wither. All my goals were set for me and I just have to make the slightly less important choice of which school to go to, what subjects to take. It was never an option of "let's go fashion school instead" or "let's start work, study later". This worked very well, because there was no need to work hard to prove that the unconventional choice I made was right, unlike those who bravely trodded down those unexplored paths; there was no need to rack my mind on setting goals, because I just had to follow the default pathway and I would be
safe. I was indeed sheltered.
However, recently, I find myself in unfamiliar territory. My default pathway has come to a deadend. I have dutifully finished my college degree (and even the goals were not set by me! It was set by A*, which asserts that all scholars should attain 1st class. So I was pretty much guided by that their policy.). But no one told me what is next. Yes, I am supposed to do a year of research attachment, then embark on my PhD overseas before returning to serve my bond. But this is not exactly conventional. I have many other choices awaiting me. I can do my PhD locally, if I am brave enough. I can choose between UK and US. I can choose to do a mix of local and overseas PhD. Hell, I can go into management and not finish my PhD. Then there is the issue of what should I specialise in. There are gazzillllions of options.
No, I am not upset that I have too many options. Rather, whilst I am still trying to find an answer, I find myself floating aimlessly in life, trying to find stable ground. Yet, this is not possible without knowing where I am going. Already, I feel like I am wasting my life away, as I am just living day to day, instead of spending the time productively towards my goals. The worst thing would be to live till 30 and wonder what I had accomplished in my past 8 years. I know the answer "receiving my doctorate" would be insufficient. Still, the search is on for the missing element. Is it being a good mother (doubt so)? Being the oldest ah ma to dance on bar tops (highly so)?
Unfortunately, this problem would not disappear just overnight. In fact, I foresee it getting worse, as I age and the things I used to want to do go unaccomplished and the regret sets in. As work gets busier and friendship circle shrinks, I hope that I would not end up just leading day to day and lose track of the big picture.
